The Fire We Gather Around

On attention, responsibility and the systems we live in

Last year I read about the death of a woman who had become known worldwide as a survivor and advocate connected to a global abuse network. I had watched documentaries about her, listened to interviews, and felt deeply moved by the courage it must have taken to speak publicly, again and again, about something so painful.

The day I heard the news, I made a quiet pact with myself.

Every time I would hear or read about the powerful man connected to that global abuse network, I would pause, look up at the sky, and silently say thank you to her. I wanted to make sure that, at least in the small system of my own attention, she would never be overshadowed by the person whose name dominated the headlines.

Because his name keeps appearing, I find myself thinking of her more often. And something shifts. Instead of feeling agitated each time the story resurfaces, I feel clearer. Calmer.

I knew the theory. Similar patterns had shown up in teams and organizations. But this time I felt it unmistakably in my own body.

I began to see how systems - families, companies, even societies - gather around what they repeatedly attend to. What we turn toward together slowly becomes the emotional center.

I often use the image of a fire: every system has one. Whatever we keep feeding becomes the flame that others gather around. When attention circles mainly around power, exposure and wrongdoing, I notice how quickly the tone tightens. Even when the intention is justice, the atmosphere can become reactive.

But when attention also includes dignity, courage and responsibility, something steadies. The facts remain. The harm is not denied. Yet the fire burns differently.

I have come to believe that systems suffer most from what is not looked at. Not because the truth is too heavy - but because avoidance keeps tension alive. What is pushed away does not disappear; it continues to shape the atmosphere in quieter, more disruptive ways.

Healing, in my experience, begins when reality is allowed to exist in full:

• the harm

• the victims

• the perpetrators

• the wider impact

I have seen this not only in public discourse, but in the teams I work with. When they are able to face reality without denial, fascination or dramatization, something settles. Responsibility becomes clearer. Energy that was tied up in defensiveness becomes available again.

After a crisis, attention often rushes toward blame. Who failed? Who is at fault? Who will be exposed?

And yes clarity and accountability matter deeply. But I have also seen how teams become fearful and rigid when they gather only around that fire.

What changes when attention also turns toward:

• the people affected,

• what needs repair,

• what can be learned,

• which values we want to strengthen?

I believe leaders shape culture less through grand speeches and more through what they repeatedly give attention to.

We cannot control the headlines. But we can influence what we feed with attention - in our teams, in our conversations, and in the small system of our own inner world.